Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

ALLOW ME TO CONTRIBUTE THE FIRST JOKE: THE TEXAN

A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm clear
afternoon in Chicago. When the bus stopped, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg enough
to step onto the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
it would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, for the 2nd time attempted
the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raised her leg.
With another little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and
yelled, 'How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who
you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well Ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we were friends'.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

JUST FOR LAUGHS


Two men met while both were looking for their wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5'7', 36-24-36, Fair, Blue Eyes, What about yours?
1st: Forget mine, let's look for yours!

What is the definition of MISTRESS?
Someone between the MISTER and the MATRESS.

Son asked Dad the difference between Confident and Confidential.
Dad says, You are my son, I'm confident, your friend is also
my son, that's confidential.

Mother to teenage daughter: I think it is the right time we
talk about sex.
Daughter excitingly: Sure Mum, tell me what you what to know.
Mother faints!

Man comes home, finds his wife and his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, If you behave like this, you will lose all your
friends.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Why I Love Her

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Where Babies Come From

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What''s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?

A man''s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don''t mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

Did you hear about the banker who''s a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant....

abortions would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man''s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn''t hump women''s legs at cocktail parties.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A little boy asked his father

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

THE DRUNK AND THE BLONDE

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blonde
a few seats away from him. A fellow at the other end of the
bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills a mug and slides
it down the bar.

The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills the beer all
over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and
licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk
jumps up and also lick her breasts. She floors him!

He's lying on the floor groaning and moaning. 'How come you
let the bartender do it?' he asked the blonde.

She answers, 'Because he's got a licker (liquor) licence!

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Bullshit Session

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

WHAT SIZE?

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...
Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"
Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"
Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:

"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Make it MEDIUM..."
"Wait! Make it LARGE..."
"Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Now THIS is drunk...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

20 YEAR DREAM

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.

"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

early morning teaser....great :) :)

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

PLAYING AROUND

A man was stranded in the desert for 10 years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar?"


The man said: "Lady, I ain't smoked in 10 years."


So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said: "Would you like a drink?"


The man said: "Lady, I ain't drank in 10 years."


So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said: "Would you like to play around?"


The man said with astonishment: "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

THE DOG THAT GETS YOU INTO THE BAR

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a bar nearby and walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do but with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alright mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "What they gave me a chihuahua!?"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.


One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


"Miss Beatrice," he said: "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."

"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."


If anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

If anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.
"Oh,quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl....... my room key."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer


Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5.. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
 

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming!

I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.