[EmranBoo]

Male, Married, recently crossed 40, Consultant/Biz Analyst

I am happy to have found SBF, thanks to my friend who introduced me to this community and some others, I have been living a lonely life, like when you feel alone even in a crowd? Alone even surrounded by people? Yes, even while married and living together.

Tried to write more, but new users have limits I believe, so I will learn the ropes and contribute whenever possible to write.

Please write back to me here, or in PM/DM, I do not judge anyone, I prefer you understand me, and I understand you and share openly and communicate clearly is preferable, and I will appreciate it.

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As my intro shows above, I have grown older, and I can't believe how soon life flew past me. I have done everything in life, went to school, college, went to a US university, worked in multiple countries, had 'friends', but eventually I find myself in depression, and phases which can only be described as 'torment'. I have come from originally a dysfunctional family, and grown up with trauma, and certain things in life, led to a breakdown, but an invisible breakdown where nobody knew I broke... but I was never the same again and I continue to live with therapy, meditation, drugs, and thankfully a loving openminded wife who cares and understands, and is partially a co-dependent who would probably end up loving a psychopath and be abused gf, if not me. I manipulate her, I lie to her, and I have been harsh on her on occasions but I never hurt her physically, and my only aim in life is to live, and try to avoid hurting her psychologically as well.

At this age, I have come to this sad phase in life where I have crossed a line, I have cheated on her, first time in-real-life, first time since my wedding, and I cannot promise I will be the same husband again, I was never the loyal husband, and my wife always suspected I will stray from the path, knowing my neurotic behaviour and personality, but she still has that rosy image of marriage in her head, of monogamy and unshared, restricted and uninhibited yet only privately shared sexual experiences.

I am sure many of you have cheated your gf/bf/wife/husband/partner but it won't lead you to think about writing a journal of life due to that happening... yet here I am, hoping to share some of my past and current life experiences, and perhaps some private experiences with my wife/anyone.

Thank you for reading