[alex18122003]

14.40: What is the point of having a medical if even Louis Saha can pass one? Anyway, that's what has happened and Manchester United's massive crock is now the Everton physios' problem.

However, the smile has been wiped off the Toffees' face with the news that Internazionale's Nigerian striker Victor Obinna has been denied a work permit. That means his loan move is no more. Apparently the fact that Obinna earns tens of thousands of pounds a week isn't enough to convince the Department of Work and Pensions that he won't be a drain on the country's resources. Idiots.

14.20: Plymouth Argyle have emerged as favourites to sign City reject Emile Mpenza. "The championship in England is better than the top league in certain countries," said the Belgian. Rubbish ones.

And Hibernian have signed Ivory Coast defender Souleymane Bamba from Dunfermline on a three year deal.

14.15: What fun! Dimitar Berbatov has left Tottenham's training ground for Stansted Airport, where he will board a plane for Manchester. Where he goes once he lands will presumably depend on which club can rustle up the plusher limo to meet him from the airport.

14.05: Who said Roy Keane only signs Republic of Ireland players? Sunderland's doctor is currently giving the once over to George McCartney of, er, Northern Ireland. That, of course, will be an SWP-style emotional return for the West Ham left-back.

13.50: Henrik Larsson has poured pure, cold, Swedish spring water on talk of him returning to the Premier League with Everton: "I will not go anywhere," said the Helsingborgs fella.

And confirmation of a deal that went through earlier, but which RD couldn't be bothered to mention - Bolton's Blerim Dzemaili has joined Torino on loan.

13.30: This Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City chat is gaining momentum. It is thought that City have made a bid in excess of £30m and have the means to offer him a trouser-bulging 200 large a week.

Spurs have been thoroughly peeved at United's bahaviour this summer and it is seen as a given that they'd rather sell to City. But, at the risk of letting reality intrude for a second, aren't City a much bigger threat in the battle to finish fourth?

13.20: Alan Smith's move to Everton has been kaiboshed, likewise Shola Ameobi's switch to anyone who will take him. Both men were at training today, which apparently means they cannot be transferred.

And in the absence of real transfers, here is a City fan's two-step guide to welcoming the club's new owners.

1 - Get white tea towel, place over head.

2 - Get black masking tape, wrap around forehead.

Makeshift Arab head-dress - DONE.

They are actually doing this. It hardly needs saying that this is the city which brought us Bernard Manning.

12.45: Fans of probable poppycock will be delighted to hear that Manchester City are in the process of hijacking United's bid for Dimitar Berbatov. Oh, how we'd chuckle if that were true...

Does anyone care about Liverpool signing Brazilian 'starlet' Vitor Flora from Botafogo? He might be the new Pele for all Revolving Doors knows, but that doesn't make RD want to pay attention.

Anyone interested in Jason Shackell moving from Wolves to Norwich? Anyone? Suit yourselves.

12.25: Apparently there is a lot of "buzz" about Michael Owen, which basically means people would like him to move as it would give them something to write about.

Owen's contract expires in the summer, and it is thought that as little as £2m could take him to Everton, Tottenham or Manchester United.

12.15: Valencia mustn't have made much of Ignacio Gonzalez's first training session with them. No sooner have they signed him from Danubio in Uruguay than they have loaned him to Newcastle. Madness!

11.55: A big-eared chap on the telly thinks that Chelsea right-back Paulo Ferreira is in talks with West Ham. And he may very well be right.

Otherwise, the anticipated torrent of transfer news has slowed to a trickle. Honestly, did you ever imagine you'd be reading that Crystal Palace's Ben Watson has turned down Nottingham Forest as he has his heart set on a move to QPR?

11.41: STOP THE CLOCK! It's the first Portsmouth signing of the day, and my goodness it's underwhelming. Harry Redknapp has signed Algerian left-back Nadir Belhadj on loan from French second division side Lens. Which, by 'Arry's logic, probably means Hermann Hreidarsson will be unceremoniously dumped by the close of play tonight.

11.40: Maybe Felipe Caicedo doesn't like the new regime at Eastlands, or maybe he just isn't very good. Either way, he could be signing for Hertha Berlin ever so soon.

Revolving Doors has always had a soft spot for Danny Blind. Cool, stylish, a great passer and a useless defender; Blind was the archetypal sweeper. So RD is going to choose to believe him when, in his capacity as Ajax technical manager, he says it is "impossible" for Klaas Jan Huntelaar to join Arsenal, Tottenham or Real Madrid.

Even though it isn't.