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22ginger · #21 08-05-2022, 02:33 PM

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Thanks Hellwolf for this post. Like yourself, I had a change in role in my current company earlier this year and the demand of the current role is quite taxing for me mentally. Maybe because it's something completely new for me, maybe things might get better. But one thing for sure is I feel very stressed and anxious and frequently lose sleep over work matters.

I am around mid 30s now and the role I'm in is actually considered a junior role which was offered after I took part in some govt initiative for mid career professionals last year during the pandemic. When I joined the workforce as a fresh grad, I had a decent paying, stable job, was able to build up my savings quickly, and able to afford going on 3-4 trips yearly. But due to some bad career decisions made over the years, I'm actually penniless now. No savings, not much CPF and no investments (only a bit of cpf savings invested in unit trusts). Sad state.

I do feel lucky that I even have a job now. Without a job, I also won't do grab/food. No car, no experience in driving even though i have a license, bad cycling skills (but you mentioned grabwalker and I'm curious so will look that up). But it sucks to feel the stress and anxiety, the palpitations and the lack of sleep. Perhaps due to the bad decisions I've made over the years make me feel that I cannot screw up any further, therefore the stress. I always thought of just quitting and take a break, but don't have the luxury to do so due to no money. I also want to do just do simple jobs, no stress kind. But like many have said, this type of jobs usually come with low pay. Also probably easily replaced by automation in future. So probably can only afford to do simple low stress jobs when I get a second source of income.

On the personal front, I've never been in a relationship in the whole of my adult life. I have no experience with zhabor. So to fill the void, I used to watch a lot of porn during my younger days, until I came across studies that show how jerking off to porn (PMO) fucks up the mind. I've cut down on porn a lot over the years, but to fill the void, I visit masseuse (mainly SGL) once or twice a week, which makes it worse because I'm caught in the same viscious cycle but spending more money now. Can imagine why I have no savings.

Over the years while I was making bad career decisions, I also started drifting away from various group of friends. While they have moved up successfully in their career, I've stagnated and I always feel I don't fit in, to a certain extent, feel paiseh to be among them. I only keep in touch with a few friends every now and then, and would hang out every few weeks or so. But I try not to mention too much about the job stress. Nobody likes to be around a negative person right?

Overall feeling lonely does have a toll on me and I find reprieve in seeking companionship with MLs. Would feel good for a while, then get subsumed by various emotions such as guilt, shame and stress again (cos anyhow spend money). I actually still live with my parents, and try to give them allowance as best as I can, pay for utilities etc. But sometimes I feel if I didn't visit MLs I could do more for the household. To make better use of my free time, I've signed up for a gym membership, got a private trainer and work out regularly nowadays (3-4 times a week) to cope with the work stress and to put my money to better use. Sometimes i go rock climbing, jogging, badminton etc. Nowadays restrictions have eased and can watch football with football kakis also. But once pockets of free time appear, loneliness and horniness set in, and it's back to square one.

So I'm not sure where I'm headed. Regarding the work stress, I'm seeking counselling soon and see where that takes me. I'm also considering putting a portion of the amount I spend on ML into some low risk unit trust portfolio or what, at least I'd have a bit of emergency fund.