Should I let her continue to work in a bar

[kenneth38]

Hi,

I got to know this lady sometime last year and in April this year, we got hooked up.

She has a day job, but moonlights in a bar getting tips for drinks.

She will most likely be out of the country by end of next year or even earlier before that.

We r pretty close, and have gone very much attached to each other, although we only meet twice a week, as she has some off days per week.

My problem now is I want to ask her to stop working in the bar, as I really don't feel comfortable that my chick is hanging around other guys. The pub is fairly decent with not much touchy feely, if at all, but I'm still uncomfortable.

I know that she feels happy working there, as you get to make some extra cash, chat and drink.

Should I suck it up, seeing that she's leaving in a year's time or less ?

Should I ask her to stop completely ?

Should I ask her to reduce her frequency ?

Deeply troubled.

[sta1100]

She already mention. Work for extra $$$, unless you have more then extra $$$ to give her sure she will stop working Part time.

[titan]

bro,

first, being attached doesn't mean u should/can stop her cash intake.. she might have plans to use this $ in house/business,etc. I understand your worry being her in a bar where guys can get touchy but i also believe she can or will look out for herself since she's been in this place for a while.

just my pointers. i think its still best for u to talk to her nicely and let her know ur worries and care. remember this, girls can't be controlled but can be influenced.

[sammyboyfor]

You can take her out of a bar but you can't take the bar out of her.

Be prepared for a relapse.

[razer123]

Hai, sometimes love is such a poisonous thing. As a bystander who isn't in your position, its often easy to tell you what many others have said: "Don't fall in love with a bar girl or night worker as it can lead to emptied pockets and a broken heart".

However, I know how you feel bro because when you're in love, and especially so when your partner works at night, its a struggle between rational logical thinking and your heart. Maybe part of you know that there is a chance or possibility of a heartbreak, or you'll soon run into a roadblock that puts your relationship to the test but your heart thinks otherwise. That kind of struggle can be a painful one.

Its true that she working at a bar at night will cause you a lot of worries but if you want to continue this relationship without forking out unnecessary money, it will be the only way to go. You will simply have to trust her and endure this painful sight of her tending to other customers in the bar at night. The benefit to this option is that she will be able to make some extra income instead of completely relying on you. However, the downside is that she might come across another guy whom she might fall for (we can never rule out that possibility because we are after all human and in a line of job that requires that extra human touch, it will be inevitable that emotions will come into play.) On top of that, what if a raid happens one day and she gets arrested? She'll probably lose her day job as well and get sent back to her country which might mean more hurdles for you to overcome in your relationship.

The second option will be like what other bros have mentioned, support her and give her cash so as to stop her from working at night. This way ensures that she'll be able to spend more time with you and foster stronger bonds. However, the downside to this is that not only will you be supporting her financially on a monthly basis, it might also cost additional cash as you now get to spend more time with her and it is only natural that the expenditure will go up unless you lead a frugal lift style.

On top of that, even if you are able to support her financially, it does not necessarily mean that this relationship will go well as planned (we can never ever rule out the possibility of that happening since a person's heart and love will change over time. Even if the chance of a failed relationship seems remote now, one can never be too sure.) By then, if things really do happen, you'll be left with a broken heart and emptied wallet unless you're rich and successful.

You mentioned that she'll be leaving either by the end of next year or before that. So is she here on a Work Permit for her day job or an S pass? Say if you can settle the problem of her working at the bar, are you prepared for the long term relationship that will ensue in time to come? LDR requires a lot of effort to make it work and is definitely not easy. She'll have to fly over to Singapore to meet you or you might have to take time off to visit her. That alone costs money and if her frequency into Singapore is high, there is also a chance of her receiving a U-turn at the airport. On top of that, if she's a previous Work Permit holder, it will be hard for her to get married.

I think you have to list out all the possible problems that might occur with a sound and calm mind before you take the plunge. Begin with the end in mind so that you will at least be slightly more prepare if something crops up along the way.

Either way, this relationship has to be built on trust or money. It is up to you to decide which alternative is the better for you.

It is sweet and dream like to fall in love but sometimes, the problems that surfaces later can put one in a desperate situation, feeling lost and despaired. Ironic how such a wonder word can bring us so much heartache and headache huh?

Bro Titan has summed it up nicely: Girls can't be controlled but can be influenced.

I suggest you try to talk to her nicely and over a few sessions to bring forth your concerns to her and see her reactions then only from that point, decide on what you should do.

After all, her motive to come to Singapore is to work and make money so relationship will seem like an unexpected thing and depending on the girl, it will either take priority over her initial intention or it might be ranked second.

Money makes the world go round including relationships, so its best to find a compromise in between your two options.

Maybe you can get her to work a proper night job that is much safer and pays lesser then top up the premium for her?

I'm not sure how you're gonna do it but I really do wish the best of luck for you and your girl because I've gone through a really rough period of time with my ex-girlfriend and I do hope people who get into relationships can be happy as a broken heart is the hardest to mend.

Good Luck bro!

[szczesny]

At least not lazing around doing nothing, seems she's hardworking type. She's not a bar gal, juz selling alcohol nothing indecent with that rite

[Big Sexy]

no, unless u are going to marry her
she is an adult, and has a mind of her own.
let her decide what she wants to do.

Originally Posted by kenneth38

I know that she feels happy working there, as you get to make some extra cash, chat and drink.

Deeply troubled.

[kawa333]

You need to accept a girl for who she is, including accepting her job. If not, it's tough love. If you marry a ex-FL, you have to accept the worst case that she may go into FL again even after marriage and still live with it. Why? The lure of easy money in the entertainment industry is simply too tempting for most girls, touch hand can earn tips, another simple hug can earn more tips, another kiss can earn more and more tips. She can tell you she can draw a line to how far she can go, but you believe? Unless you provide her the source of her desire for extra income, if not she'll need the extra income and will still look for similar jobs like that. And even if you are not this guy, there'll be many opportunities in her job she'll meet guys who can be like that. And like what the other bros say, if she is on a working permit, it's again tough to get a marriage here in future. Lastly, if she's happy working there, then it's your sadness to accept it. Advice? If you can accept, then have fun in the relationship and see how far it can go. If you can't accept, please talk to her asap.

[kenneth38]

Thanks everyone... I've talked to her about ...she's considering the decision to stop now.

I think she's not willing to do it.

And marrying her is out of the question. as she needs to go back home and I have my commitments here..

She has just requested for a sit down and talk session next Thursday, which I've requested to move today, as I don't this to drag. This damn thing is pissing me off...

Again, thanks to everyone who've contributed, I never expected anyone to pay this thread a second glance, and I'm just at a loss.

[sammyboyfor]

Originally Posted by kenneth38

Thanks everyone... I've talked to her about ...she's considering the decision to stop now.

I think she's not willing to do it.

If she really cared about you, she would have stopped working there without being asked.

It's blatantly obvious she has her own self interests at heart.

Don't waste your time talking. Words mean nothing. Her actions speak louder. All you're going to hear is a pack of lies.

Maximise your return on investment and then move on to the next target.

[Xgenre]

Originally Posted by kenneth38

And marrying her is out of the question. as she needs to go back home and I have my commitments here..

You got wife and kids here?

If there are no long term plans between you and her anyway, why do you even bother controlling her? If you and her won't end up being married, just enjoy her company till she leaves. Why make life difficult for yourself by trying to restrict her income? Whether she gets sent home after getting caught in a raid or she goes home at the end of her work permit period, you and her won't be together also what.. Just enjoy the sex and hope it's not too big a burden financially.

You want to talk feeling but no talk commitment ah? You want to control her life but don't want to be responsible for her over the long term? I think the one who needs a wake up call is you.

[Ken79]

Hi TS bro, this looks like a classic case but repeated more than often scenario of a guy after spending time, money, effort, emotional strain, etc. and gain some time, affection, sex, etc from a lady who will eventually leave.
This kinda of feeling is like staying in a 5 star hotel or resort, no matter how much u pay for a night and how the staff treats u while u are there, as soon as u check out; u have nothing to do with them anymore.

And when she just left, initially maybe u will visit her but in the long run how?
Unless u are she she is a decent gal and is committed to u and u are able to provide for her, provided u are single now then i dont see much problems.

[kenneth38]

Ken79 bro, that is true... I think I'm getting my feelings to caught up with this lady, and starting to feel possessive.

I think I really need to readjust my thinking and put her in a place in my heart where she is not that important, when I can get it, I get it, if not I won't bend over for her, or make special arrangements in my day to day life just to see her.

I feel she has to be relegated to Div 2 within my heart, in order for me to deal with this maturely and move on. Otherwise I have this urge to control her life, even though we may not have one together ultimately. ( I think unless something drastic happens to my own commitment, i.e. wife)

Originally Posted by Ken79

Hi TS bro, this looks like a classic case but repeated more than often scenario of a guy after spending time, money, effort, emotional strain, etc. and gain some time, affection, sex, etc from a lady who will eventually leave.
This kinda of feeling is like staying in a 5 star hotel or resort, no matter how much u pay for a night and how the staff treats u while u are there, as soon as u check out; u have nothing to do with them anymore.

And when she just left, initially maybe u will visit her but in the long run how?
Unless u are she she is a decent gal and is committed to u and u are able to provide for her, provided u are single now then i dont see much problems.

[kenneth38]

Originally Posted by Xgenre

You got wife and kids here?

Bro Xgenre, again, much thanks for your comments.

Wife yes, but no kids, as we are having fertility issues.

Relationship with wife is rocky sometimes, but livable.

This lady has become a major distraction to me, in my life, probably coz she has the looks (I'll be honest).

At this point, I do feel I have let her got too close too personal to what's important in my life. This extra-marital affair is taking a toll on me mentally, and I'm just damn confused.

Thank you for your reminder, it's really a wake-up call, and I'm trying to process, digest, understand and internalize it.

We meet @ 930pm today, small talk, proceed to a private place, and start the discussion, maybe followed by hot sex () or not, but really that's no longer important, at least today.

I just want to sort out the confusion in my mind.

Will she stop the job for me ?

If not, will I continue with her knowing that there's no commitment ?

If not, how will she react ? Will she be heart-broken ? As she has given much of herself to me, I think, although not enough to stop the job.

If not, can I continue to be sane without her ? Albeit after a period of getting over this failed relationship, and of course, bumping into her every time I hit the damn bar.

[kenneth38]

Originally Posted by sammyboyfor

If she really cared about you, she would have stopped working there without being asked.

It's blatantly obvious she has her own self interests at heart.

Dear boss, I think this is the golden principle to follow when fucking around.

Seriously.

If there's any emotional attachment, it becomes very dangerous. Day-to-day life is impacted, including work, home etc etc.

I truly believed I dropped the ball here. She's not an FL, and have a full-time day job, and the bar is a part time thing. I'm just her second guy in her life, her ex-bf is 2-3 years back, I don't figure her as a loose woman, and because of that, my interests in her peaked, and she has got her good hold of my heart and mind.